I was deeply touched by a woman’s story about not being loved, which she shared during Bunda Arsaningsih's "Tata Hati" session in Melbourne. I never met her, but I knew her sadness affected me deeply. It made me realize how energy can connect people, including me. Even more so when she said that love is nothing but heartache It’s the exact same thing I asked when I first met Bunda Arsaningsih back in 2020, I’ve watched this video many times because her pain reminds me of my own feelings of being unloved. This blog's purpose is not to place blame but to share my personal experience as a way to process and find healing. I want to share the knowledge and tools that helped me deal with the pain of feeling unloved.
Returning to the video, the session is about mental and spiritual well-being through meditation and the Soul Meter method. Bunda Arsaningsih describes "Tata Hati" as organizing feelings and energy to align with divine laws. She says that human love often brings pain when based on dependency, but divine love provides strength and peace. Bunda Arsaningsih introduces Soul Reflection meditation to maintain mental health, release negative emotions, and strengthen the connection with God [05:07, 09:00]. She presents her Soul Meter technique for identifying energetic patterns in people and places, explaining that everything, including cities like Melbourne, consists of energy. She describes Melbourne as generally peaceful but with lingering soul records of anger, particularly related to Indigenous Aboriginal history [07:31, 31:32].
A central theme of her teaching is karma and reincarnation. Everyone’s current quality of life is shaped by their soul records from past lives. She discusses the Law of sowing and reaping (tabur tuai), suggesting that current suffering or joy results from past actions [11:42, 13:49]. Addressing the spiritual anatomy, Bunda explains that humans have five dimensions of the body, including the physical, prana (energy/aura), mind (emotions), mental (psyche), and soul (spiritual records). She uses these to demonstrate how trapped emotions, such as anger, can negatively impact physical health, specifically the liver [58:06, 01:00:52].
Soul Meter can be applied to real-life cases. A meditation participant named Putu shares her story of living in Melbourne for 16 years, experiencing a failed marriage, and the trauma of losing loved ones in her youth. Bunda uses the Soul Meter to show that Putu carries deep-seated feelings of "not being loved" and "being abandoned," which act as energetic magnets attracting similar painful experiences. After an energetic process (Soul Reflection Meditation), Putu's energy field shows significant improvement in health and heart-centered radiation [00:49:55 - 01:19:04].
I tried Soul Meter, measuring my thoughts, and cleansed them using the Workshop of Soul Meter (WSM) protocols. I identified my longing to be loved by my mother, husband, and ex-boyfriend. In 2020, Bunda measured that I carried 40 kilometers of anger toward my mother. As my psychiatrists said, my thoughts were mainly shaped by her. I was confused. I didn’t know how to see my anger. Physically, I felt fine, so my mind rejected their assessments since I couldn’t see the anger.
In the video, Bunda explained how people often ignore their inner condition (kondisi batin). This inner condition is what I eventually researched further—what is the inner self actually like [22:09]. The physical form is visible, but the inner condition of a person is invisible in terms of energy [22:19]. As she studied energy, I finally realized—oh, it turns out the human body [22:29] consists of five dimensions [22:35].
For years, I felt stuck and wounded inside (luka batin) because I focused only on physical problems—the debt, school fees, broken doors, his irresponsibility. I never saw my mental state. I saw my psychiatrist in Sydney for four years, but still felt confused. The Soul Meter offers me another perspective:
I felt most loved by my mother at 5.2 points in 1996, but this declined to 2.2 in 1997 and 1.2 in 1998, when she asked me to break up with my ex-boyfriend without a good reason. Between 1997 and 1999, I felt overwhelmed as my mother pushed me to marry a man from Pesantren as part of an agreement with her university classmate (my eventual mother-in-law).
In 1998, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and hospitalized until 2001. My sense of being loved dropped to 0.3 in 2001 when I married. I felt unloved for about a decade, entering my life as a servant without his help. It’s no surprise my anger measured 40 kilometers.
In the video, Bunda advises using forgiveness to address difficult relationships and to seek forgiveness to resolve karmic debt. If issues persist after three attempts, it is spiritually acceptable to part ways lovingly [01:35:19 - 01:37:42]. During my anger-cleansing in 2020, Bunda guided me to forgive my mother and ask for her forgiveness, even though she had passed away. She explained that energy transcends space and time, so this process could unfold energetically through meditation with my mind and soul.
By 2023, I finally understood that my lifelong feeling of being unloved was a deep-rooted trauma affecting many of my relationships. This realization helped me see the core issue I needed to heal. Based on SM, I can begin cleansing my disappointment, anger, feeling unloved, and other emotions by using the power of God's energy, so that my inner self can be more at peace. Next, I check the intensity of these feelings again and continue cleansing them until the values are small or reach zero.
As seen in the table, another trauma stemmed from my ex-boyfriend. When I told him we had to break up in 1997 at my mother’s request, he remained silent. Years later, in November 2022, during my healing process, my hypnotherapist urged me to talk to him and ask for forgiveness, hoping it would ease my depression. My ex-boyfriend was my classmate and best friend in high school (1992-1994), lovers, and broke up in 1997. He was also my husband's close friend from high school. In November 2022, as part of my healing, my husband called him and created a Telegram group. For about a year, we spoke openly about our past and current experiences.
Through these conversations, I learned that love can mean sacrificial release. My ex-boyfriend explained: I want you to get someone better than me. Isn't that proof of letting go so the one I love can be better'? Indeed, his revealed his selfless love, while I had felt unfought for. On the other hand, he believed withdrawing was his ultimate act of caring, so I could thrive. Reading his words made me realize that his actions were motivated by a desire for my happiness and devotion to my mother, a perspective I hadn't understood for almost three decades. I now interpret his love as a selfless sacrifice, meaning of sincere acceptance (iklhas).
In my experience, my wrong way of thinking greatly influences what kind of life I lead. Since I focused more on not being loved by two I loved most (my mother and my ex boyfriend), the reality come up with a bad moment where people called my husband truly did not love me (indicating with the facts of his cheating with numerous women and prostitutes, of not giving attention to me as wife and his children, and his absence of financial responsibilities at home).
In the video, Bunda Arsaningsih addresses whether someone who is currently stressed or angry can not participate in spiritual service (such as sending love to others). When someone is experiencing anger, it may be more challenging to show love. If one’s internal state includes anger, that is likely the negative energy shared with others [40:54 - 41:12]. From this, I understood why I could not live happily with the man I married, my children, students, and relatives. Instead, I always felt dumb around them and not loved by them. Thus, I could not smile at them, as I had long-term anger hidden in my heart.
Building on this, Bunda introduces the “Happiness 10” condition. This represents a state where the Heart Chakra is fully developed and open. Continuing from the importance of the Heart Chakra, Bunda describes it as the essential key to opening the Crown Chakra that serves as the gateway through which God’s energy enters the human body. However, if the Heart Chakra is blocked by a lack of love or anger, this, in turn, keeps the connection to the Crown Chakra closed, preventing the flow of Divine energy. These energy states—whether the heart is open or blocked—are not just theoretical; they can be identified and measured using the Soul Matter method [41:43 - 42:03].
Reflecting on my experiences, the framework that I captured on the table above explains why I felt so emotionally and physically drained during those 21 years, because I was attempting to care for him out of obligation while suppressing unresolved anger and past trauma. My Heart Chakra was likely struggling to open fully. How could I support my family while my own emotions and energy remained blocked by the luka batin (deep inner wounds).
Of course, I find it difficult to understand all of these burdens for a few years. But again, I am learning and developing my psychological understanding through various sources, including videos by Bunda Arsaningsih, so I can accept all of this peacefully. I don’t want to blame others anymore; I want to reflect on my own mistakes, focus on finding my true self, fix my wrong thoughts, and prepare myself to go to the HOME where God awaits me.
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