When I was awarded a scholarship to Australia in 2011, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy. To me, it wasn't just an academic achievement; it was my escape route—the only way to break free from my in-laws and my husband's extended family. At first, they mocked me, calling me a 'bad wife' and throwing other insults my way. But I was determined. I had to get far away just to stop the bleeding of my own heart. Over those ten years, there were several times when the pain was so great that I tried to take my own life. Each time, it was only the memory of my children that pulled me back from the edge.
I departed for Australia on January 10, 2012, while my mother-in-law was undergoing treatment for cancer. My earnings had covered everything for years: hospital expenses, his second and third sibling’s wedding to his aunt’s second marriage, daily needs of his extended family, sister-in-law's and relatives' personal debts. Looking back, I realize how much I contributed to supporting the family.
After we arrived in Sydney, I thought the family drama would finally end. I was wrong. When my mother-in-law died in February 2012, the family’s financial troubles worsened, and the responsibility fell on me. I had to support not only my father-in-law but also his two younger siblings and their families. Pity clouded my judgment; I couldn't bring myself to refuse. However much my father-in-law requested each week, I always sent the money.
My mother-in-law’s siblings and other relatives also called frequently, often requesting financial assistance for various needs such as tuition fees, debts, rent, or contributions to family events. They sometimes asked for support with business ventures as well. Meanwhile, my own savings were dwindling; my scholarship was intended for just one person. Since my husband hadn't found steady work in our first year in Sydney, we relied on my scholarship income for basic needs. These ongoing financial requests added to my stress, though I understood their circumstances.
My fatal mistake back then was feeling forced to borrow money from my friends, my sister, and my father’s siblings just to cover my husband’s family’s financial needs. My children and I in Sydney had to live as frugally as possible, eating whatever we could find, so I could send money to my father-in-law. At the time, I did it all with the sincere intention of helping my parents-in-law. I remained legowo—accepting and sincere—even as I struggled with a lack in Australia.
Even my husband's friends frequently asked to borrow money, and I felt forced to transfer it to them, simply because I didn't want to say no. For some reason, everyone in Indonesia seems to think that once you’re living abroad, you must be swimming in money. In hindsight, I realize I sacrificed far too much for my husband’s family and friends.
I have lost count of the billions of rupiah I poured out just to protect my husband’s reputation. There were even bank loans in my name for hundreds of millions of rupiah, taken out for his relatives. Back then, I believed that being a submissive and obedient wife would bring divine rewards—that God would surely repay my sacrifices with other blessings. Despite these hopes, to this day, not a single cent has been returned, even though their countless promises insisted it was only a loan. But now I have known how to face this case as Bunda Arsaningsih's sugegstion.
During my greatest trials—mounting debts, severe illness, my children struggling to pay their school fees, and other overwhelming pressures—I did not receive help from his family. There were no calls, even after 12 years of financial support. When his circumstances dropped, and he sought assistance from his siblings and cousins, he did not find the support he hoped for.
Whenever I look back at my financial mistakes for two decades, I still break down in tears. The pain deepened as I uncovered more lies behind the husband’s life—other topics I'll address separately. From 2017, everything culminated in a catastrophe that intensified my depression. During this time, I often felt so miserable that I wanted to give up on life. In those moments, my resentment toward my mother, who forced me into this marriage with such a heartless man, grew stronger. Love for a husband is noble, but sacrificing my own stability and borrowing from others was a mistake. Indeed, I was foolish to let myself be deceived by them.
As I learned from this video, prosperity is not just about physical effort; it is governed by a spiritual balance. When these invoices are outstanding, they act as a handbrake on my happiness. By clearing spiritual debts and shifting from a mindset of lack to a mindset of service, the barriers to abundance naturally fall away. My current financial or emotional struggles are often invoices from past actions. If we caused others loss or pain in the past, that energy remains as a debt that must be settled.
The true prosperity is a reflection of an inner state of peace and integrity. The first step is acknowledging that the block exists within your own energy field rather than blaming external circumstances. This is done through sincere repentance, asking for forgiveness (even if the person is no longer there), and making a conscious choice to be a "blessing" to others. To change the flow of energy from "taking" to "receiving," one must practice giving with a pure heart. This creates a positive energy vacuum that attracts abundance.
On February 7, 2020, my suffering began to clear when I firstly met Bunda Arsaningsih. I realized that my blind obedience was not a virtue, but a lack of boundaries. I saw a light in my body when I followed her meditation. My heart was peaceful at that time, and I started to repair my wrong thinking. Since then, I understand that good intentions can sometimes lead to difficult outcomes. I want my children to be mindful in every decision they make. Most importantly, I want them to live with the awareness that they can choose a path aligned with God’s will. To do this, I tell them it is better to use the Soul Meter to guide every step of their lives, ensuring they move in harmony with the Divine.
I see now that I should have stood in my own truth—being honest about what I could and could not do. I should have protected my resources for my children instead of pouring them into others. Though it aches to look back at these memories, I let them stand as a hard-earned lesson for anyone who finds themselves lost in the same shadow. To my beloved children, I give you these boundaries—not to make your hearts cold, but to keep your lights bright. I have paid for these lessons with my tears and my years. Please, carry them as your own:
Love is not a debt. You can love someone deeply without carrying their financial burdens. A partner’s good name is built by their own integrity, not by your secret loans.
Sacrifice has a limit. Never sacrifice your children’s future or your own basic needs to maintain the lifestyle of others. True charity begins at home; if you are drowning, you cannot save anyone else.
Honesty is over appearance. Never borrow money to appear kind or successful to your extended family. It is better to be judged for being "stingy" than to be destroyed by the truth of debt.
No is a sacred prayer. Saying "No" to those who exploit you is a way of saying "Yes" to God’s plan for your peace. If someone only loves you when your hands are open, they do not love you—they love your utility.
The Soul Meter is your compass. Before every major decision, check your inner peace. If a choice feels heavy, dark, or forced, it is not from the Divine. Trust the Soul Meter over the pressure of tradition or duty.
Blood is not a blank check. Being family does not give anyone the right to deceive or deplete you. If they turn away when you are in need, they have shown you their true hearts. Believe them the first time.
Forgive the past so you do not carry its poison, but set boundaries so the past cannot repeat itself. Forgiveness is for your soul; boundaries are for your safety.
I share my foolishness or my fatality—so that my children will never have to walk this same shadow. I want them to understand that love should never require the surrender of one's truth. May these pages also serve as a map for anyone lost in the dark. May you see that no matter how deep the mistake, it can always be turned into light.
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