MY AWARENESS

I came from a home with plenty of prosperity. My parents were harmonious and always respected each other. I grew up with two helpers in a nice  house. My mother carefully taught me how to be a respected woman, how to cook well and take care of the house, and how to behave well. I learned that being clean was normal and that keeping things in order was important.

In my in-laws’ house, everything I learned from my mother became a problem. I wasn’t allowed to cook or care for the house as I knew. They mocked my cleaning, dismissed my knowledge, and yet relied on me financially—taking my money for family needs while treating me as useless. In the house, the word daughter-in-law (Mantu) was simply a synonym for servant (Babu).

• I washed the dishes for the entire family by hand.
• I did everyone’s laundry by hand until my hands were sore.
• I swept the vast, endless yard alone.

These chores should have gone to younger siblings or aunts, but everyone expected me to do their work. Instead of saying no, I worked hard, hoping my efforts would bring love or at least peace. I stayed quiet because I was afraid of my husband’s anger, carrying this weight alone in his unhealthy house. I never see it as a home.

The cruelest person in the house was my husband's grandmother. She accused me of being a poor cook. Indeed, I was in the kitchen by 3:00 AM every morning to help her coffee stall (warung kopi). I lived like a servant, serving her with devotion. Yet I was still blamed for things I didn’t do. 

My late mother-in-law often criticised my housework and parenting way.  If my child fell off a bicycle, she would instantly claim I was incompetent. She would scold the child for being 'naughty' and always say, 'Your father was never like this when he was little. Why are you so difficult? Who did you inherit this from?' I never knew how to answer. I could only stay silent and cry in my bed room.

In my heart, it was normal for a child to cry after falling—they are just learning. But in that house, everything was my fault. If the children misbehaved, it was always from me, never from my husband. I was trapped in a paradox: I was the 'bad mother' whose genes were blamed for every tear or wrong doing.

But when my children succeeded at school, my mother-in-law credited her son’s lineage. 'Of course they’re brilliant; they take after their father'.  I sat in the shadows, even I was a Master’s and a lecturer.  To her, greatness was a paternal inheritance. Failure was a maternal flaw. I was  credited with nothing and blamed for everything.  

To make it worse, I was constantly insulted for the child’s illness, even though I had been away for lecturing in Surabaya three days a week. My husband never stood up for me or stayed when our child was ill, often choosing to go out instead. Even when I asked him not to leave, he ignored me. My mother-in-law justified his behaviour as normal, which was so strange to me. In my opinion, a responsible man should support his wife when their child is sick, yet I was left entirely alone. Ten years of living with my in-laws completely shattered my mental health. 

I often wondered for years: How did my mother (usually so discerning) fail to see their true character (Watak asli)? How was she so easily swayed by their persuasion, forcing my marriage just two weeks before she passed away? I looked for the error in her judgment without an answer.

Honestly, I could not accept such bad situations for two decades. Until I found an awareness through the lens of Group Karma, I found a different answer. I watched the following video many times, but I first watched it in March 2020. It features Bunda Arsaningsih discussing the complex relationship between parents-in-law and children-in-law through the lens of Karma and Reincarnation. I got some important points:

• Bunda says marriage isn’t just about love and money—it’s also a spiritual process [23:54]. When a woman marry, she joins her partner’s whole family and their spiritual ties [43:04].
• Conflicts with in-laws can be signs of old problems from past lives. Bunda shares a story: A woman struggles with her mother-in-law because, in a past life, the soul was her father, and she didn’t treat him well [27:30].
• In many cultures, the wife is expected to adjust to the new family [10:42]. Success in marriage depends on one's mindset and letting go of negative preconceptions [11:21].
• Problems often arise when the husband doesn’t help his wife communicate or connect with his parents  [14:16].
• To stop these problems, respond with kindness and forgiveness. Fighting back only leads to more negativity in the future [31:56].
• Even after an in-law passes away, one can still find peace by sincerely apologizing and praying for them [32:53].

The main message is that every relationship is a chance for personal growth. Bunda Arsaningsih suggests looking inward to understand why relationships exist and serving others with patience. Patience and acceptance bring peace. I choose to make peace by forgiving the harm they caused. My forgiveness is for my own healing, not for them. So, complaining keeps me trapped in past wounds, while forgiveness applies the awareness needed to end my bad fate.

Between 2002-2019:

• I felt that if I forgave them, I was letting them win.
• I felt my anger showed how much I had suffered.
• My anger toward my mother felt as exhausting as carrying a heavy burden for 40 kilometres in 2001 to 2020. It weighed me down.

From 2026:

• With this new perspective, I now realize my anger has only hurt my prosperity, relationships, spirituality, and health.
• I now see their cruelty as a lesson I needed to learn.
• I forgive to free myself and finally find peace with God.

For years, I searched for faults in my mother’s judgment. Through spirituality, I learned a harder truth: sometimes, those who love us are unaware, letting a karmic path unfold. Her lack of intuition wasn’t a failure of love. It was necessary for me to pay my soul’s debt in that house.

My mother played a role in a story that required me to face challenges. My experience was the assignment I needed. I was sent into that house not just to be a wife, but to settle a spiritual debt. Every dish I washed, and every insult I endured were steps toward my freedom. My husband’s indifference and his family’s actions pushed me to find a light that no book could give.

I once thought my PhD was my greatest achievement, but now my real achievement is staying aware, for God’s sake. I no longer feel the need to be a good person as I once believed in the past. My story isn’t about loss, but breaking free. I have discovered an inner prosperity that remains unaffected by external circumstances. By sharing my journey, I hope others facing struggles will find something helpful. Each day, I try to become a better version of myself.

#SOUL #SoulReflection #Healing #Forgiveness