For years, I lived by a simple equation: if I was a good child and a devoted wife, I would be rewarded with happiness. But life, with its betrayals and crushing debts, shattered that transaction. I’m struggling to understand why my life has taken such a hard turn. After spending my whole life being the good child, pleasing my family, and making sacrifices, I now face so much pain. I keep wondering if life is really as transactional as I once thought: "If I am kind (X), then God must give me happiness (Y)." Realising that life doesn’t always work this way has left me deeply confused.
As a Muslim, I grew up not believing in karma or reincarnation because of my faith. But my perspective changed in October 2019 after I joined a boot camp with Mardigu Wowiek, popularly known as the bossman. The experience encouraged me to explore those concepts, and I’ have spent the last few years studying various books and articles on the subject.
Today, I am learning that my struggles aren't a sign of God’s displeasure, but a manifestation of Karmic Maturity—seeds planted long ago that have now ripened. While I cannot change the painful harvest of the last 25 years, I am finally choosing to stop living for others and start planting new seeds of self-love and spiritual consistency. My confusion is slowly turning into a map. For the first time, I am navigating it for myself after I read a book "Soul Reflection".
My marriage, shaped by my mother’s wishes in 2001, meant sacrificing my true love and devoting myself entirely to my husband and our four children. I gave up my home, car, and salary to settle his family’s debts. I was left wondering how much of my unhappiness stems from living for others rather than myself. Just as I began to genuinely love my husband, I learned a painful truth. From 2006 to 2023, he had been unfaithful with many women, including prostitutes. I was left in turmoil and confusion. How could someone who spent years in an Islamic boarding school (Pesantren) make such choices? This left me questioning not only his faith, but also my own understanding of trust. In 2014, this man’s career and businesses collapsed, leaving me to shoulder billions of rupiah in debt due to his mistakes.
During my self-conflicts, confusion, and depression, I suddenly caught up to YouTube Bunda Arsaniingsih in late 2019. I found this video Reincarnation: Who am I? This video, titled from the Tanya Bunda Arsaningsih series, explores the concepts of self-identity, karma, and reincarnation through a spiritual lens. Here are the key points discussed:
1. Understanding Self-Identity and God
- The video emphasizes that by knowing our true selves, I can begin to know God [02:10]. From this, I learned how to know myself. Once I know my true self, I know the Almighty God.
The video explains that life events are not arbitrary punishments from God but follow universal laws [03:00]. God provides these laws, and our experiences result from how I interact with them. For years, I believed God disliked me, which made my struggles harder. Learning that life isn’t about punishment, but about laws, has shifted my perspective.
2. Reincarnation and Past Records
The video explores the confusion many feel about their past lives, especially if they are not historical figures. The first time I watched it, I struggled to grasp these concepts, but I kept seeking answers about reincarnation through more research. Over time, I gained perspective, which I will share later.
Although the idea of 'soul memories' is mentioned—like a sense of familiarity with places or cultures—I still grapple with how this actually works. Recently, I found some clarity, which ties back to my search for answers.
3. Karma and Life Challenges
Difficulties in life—such as financial struggles or family conflicts—are described as mature karma (fruit that has ripened). Once karma reaches this stage, it must be accepted and experienced; it cannot be avoided [09:43]. It is called Karmic Maturity. I have tried to understand it from all the pain I have endured for more than 25 years.
Our family members are often those with whom we have significant karmic debts to settle. Conflicts with relatives become opportunities to resolve past issues [04:10]. This perspective helped me see that my family problems are part of a process toward a better life.
The video mentions that families share Group Karma. If one family member is working to improve their life through meditation, but another is not, the family's collective prosperity or energy can still be affected [11:44]. This is my first time I understood that Group Karma exists. Honestly, I cried when I found out about this.
4. How to Change My Future
While I cannot change the karma, I am currently receiving. I can change my fate by planting new positive seeds [09:27].
Bunda Arsaningsih suggests shifting from anger to love and from stinginess to generosity. By changing my internal state and planting good deeds, I will attract different people and opportunities into my new life [05:12].
Consistency in spiritual practices, such as daily meditation, is highlighted as the primary way to build a savings account of good karma to help navigate difficult times [10:42].
I spent decades trying to buy happiness through sacrifice, only to be met with betrayal and debt. It was a hard lesson in the reality that life isn't a transaction, but a spiritual evolution. As I explore the depths of reincarnation and karma, I am beginning to understand that my true self is separate from the roles I played as a daughter or a wife. Knowing myself is the first step to truly knowing the Almighty. The road behind me was paved with pain, but the road ahead is being built on a foundation of truth, awareness, and the courage to finally choose my own path. Then, my personal growth and the shift from "why me" to "what now."
What I am writing here is the result of my understanding from watching the video many times, starting in 2019 up until now, 2026. I have experienced a profound personal growth after understanding the energy and the natural laws of God. I am sharing this so that my life lessons can benefit others who may carry the same wounds as I do. I simply want to tell you that you are not alone. I used to feel lonely often, which is why I can say this. But I was wrong; God never leaves His servants. This realization was honestly conveyed by Bunda Arsaningsih repeatedly in every video. Finally, I have reached a point where I can begin to accept all the hardships in my life.
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