MOVE ON

 

For twenty years, I thought silence was a form of strength, but I now realize that true strength lies in the courage to heal. This writing was about my past experience. I am no longer defined by the shame I once carried, but by the peace I have found today. What I shared might be your lessons for your better life.

To the outside world, I was the woman who 'cared too much' about my career and education and 'not enough' about the man. My friends and family judged me for it. But God is my witness. They never saw what happened behind closed doors. They didn't see me being treated as a babu (servant) and a source of cash (ATM Keluarga) for his entire family. Besides, my mother-in-law used to constantly mock me, claiming I didn't know how to raise my children properly or how to cook. Yet, she was always borrowing money from me—which she never paid back—to cover the needs of the extended family. It was not until much later that the irony was revealed: it was her son who lacked integrity and failed in his responsibilities toward his own family.

The ten-year residency with my in-laws resulted in a systematic psychological breakdown. I was entirely disenfranchised within the domestic hierarchy, denied any agency or right to self-advocacy. The man practiced a form of chronic emotional desertion. He would prioritize his social life and his band over domestic crises. While I managed my son's medical treatment in the hospital alone, he sought leisure with peers. There was a profound irony in the 'incompetence' narrative they forced upon me. I was a professional academic balancing a demanding schedule at a university, yet I was trapped for domestic issues.

I carried that burden in silence for twenty years, hiding my scars even from my own father because I thought a 'good wife' should cover my family’s shame. In 2021, the dam finally broke. I couldn't carry the pain alone anymore. When I finally shared my truth with my siblings and my aunts and uncles, they were brought to tears by the weight of what I had endured.

I finally found the courage to reveal everything—after fighting a lonely battle to heal my depression and other pains, and after receiving so much enlightenment and guidance from Bunda Arsaningsih. It was through the process of 'cultivating my feelings' (olah rasa) and practicing Soul Reflection Meditation—harnessing the light, love and energy of God—that I was finally able to speak my truth.

One of the most profound moments of enlightenment in understanding my family situation came from watching this video. It explores the spiritual dimensions of marriage and the challenging process of healing after a separation.

Bunda Arsaningsih explains that marriage is not just a social contract; it is a spiritual process [08:41]. It involves blending two different characters, backgrounds, and sometimes different religions or castes [10:42]. Success in marriage lies in the ability to manage the heart, maintain awareness, practice tolerance, and show compassion while navigating these differences [11:12]. The roles of a mother and father are also part of this spiritual path, requiring sincerity and surrender to God to raise happy children [12:00]. However, divorce is sometimes a better option than staying in a marriage that shackles the soul and leads to constant mutual hurt [13:43]. Choosing peace through a respectful separation can be a way to stop creating new negative karma [33:55].  For a divorce to be okay in a spiritual sense, it should ideally be based on mutual understanding and a shared realization that there is no longer harmony [33:34].

Bunda Arsaningsih suggests that instead of blaming a former spouse, one should accept the situation as a way to resolve past spiritual debts [30:07]. However, a major hurdle in moving on is the social punishment or gossip from family and society [07:06]. This is often more stressful than the actual separation [18:16]. In many societies, women are unfairly blamed for the failure of a marriage, being judged as unable to serve or take care of their husbands [18:55]. Bunda advises not to let outside opinions ruin your happiness. When others gossip or judge, they are creating their own negative karma [20:21]. The most wise response is to remain silent, stay focused on my own peace, and trust that God knows your true heart [22:02].

Moreover, Bunda Arsaningsih advise steps on how to move on effectively.  First,  managing emotion (olah rasa) or healing quickly depends on how well I can process feelings of heartbreak, disappointment, and trauma [05:41]. Second, doing  meditation and me time. True relaxation doesn't just come from travel; it requires Soul Reflection and connecting with God to release inner tension [29:07]. Third, radiating love and positive thoughts will eventually attract people who truly love and protect me [36:09]. If I hold onto fear and trauma, I may attract similar negative experiences in the future [36:37]. Fourth, forgiving will lead to true moving on and closing the old book completely. Forgiving the ex-partner, and opening a heart to the possibility of a new, higher-quality relationship [32:05]. The beauty of life depends on the beauty in my hearts. When my heart is full of love, even the simplest things look beautiful. Then, I must focus on growth, kindness, and inner peace [26:05].

In the end, I’ve learned that our truth doesn't diminish our worth—it sets us free. For twenty years, I thought silence was a form of strength, but I now realize that true strength lies in the courage to heal. Through Soul Reflection, I am no longer defined by the shame I once carried, but by the peace I have found today. To anyone still fighting a silent battle: may you find the courage to choose your own healing, and may you always remember that God’s love is the ultimate witness to your journey.